Doing and being

I recently got back into reading fiction and it's been awesome. It's one of those things I didn't realise I was missing. Picking up a book had this profound effect on me, reminding me that I am so much more than what I do. It reminded me that I can spend a day reading something that has no bearing on my work and that can still be beneficial to me. Sounds silly, I know. It's not to say that I don't love reading non-fiction and academic papers, because I do. But in doing so, in immersing myself so deeply and completely in my studies, I've slowly lost touch with a lot of what - who - I am outside of my work. I've somehow begun to define myself by what I do rather than who I am. And that's a problem. Defining myself by what I do requires me to put a lot stake into what other people think because what I do has certain normative markers that are largely judged by other people. And the danger then becomes that I define myself not even by what I do, but by what I think other people think I should do. And we can't have any of that. No sir-ee.

Conversely, defining myself by who I am and who I want to be requires only one judge: me. It also reminds me that what I do is not an end in itself, but a means to being and becoming the man I am and want to be. It reminds me that I'm in the UK not only to do a PhD, but to live, to love, to laugh, and to grow as a person. I'm here to build a life with Leigh, to explore, to try new things, to meet new people, to enjoy the company of great friends, to be myself.