Imperfectionist

One of my biggest faults is that I'm a perfectionist. I know that sounds like a cheesy answer to a classic interview question. I know that to qualify myself as a perfectionist is pretentious. But I'm not always a perfectionist. I'm only a perfectionist when a) I'm not feeling confident and b) when I feel like I need to impress someone. When I'm being myself, I'm confident and I don't care what others think if I make a mistake. The day I stop being a perfectionist will be the day I can truly be myself.

Perfectionism in my work: I've had the good fortune of working with some great researchers. A common thread amongst them all is that they are not perfectionists. Or at least not all the time - they time their perfection to perfection. They are not afraid to be wrong in front of other people when discussing ideas. They aren't afraid to be corrected. They trust in what they know, and realise that they won't ever have the answers for everything. They don't need to say the perfect word or give the perfect answer. They send hasty one line emails. They've figured out that time is precious, and they put their real efforts into what's really important, when it is important. And then there's me, sometimes spending a ridiculous amount of time agonising over the wording of a simple email. Who. Cares. Perfectionism cramps my capacity to be productive. In my line of work, there will ALWAYS be people that will poke holes in what I do. That criticism will make me and my work better. And while I'm getting better at realising it, why do I sit in an ugly office on a Saturday afternoon wondering about which words I should use in an outline of a thesis chapter which will no doubt be shredded to pieces by my advisers anyway, and ultimately will bear little resemblance to the actual finished chapter? It is a waste of my time to overly analyse everything I do. I tell myself that I can't help it, but I need to help it. The rest of my life is too valuable. The time I waste trying to make something sound clever or 'just right', could actually be spent dreaming big with Leigh, or walking Ollie on the beach, or crying like a baby at some cheesy movie, or making new friends, or relaxing with a video game, or reading something inspirational.

Perfectionism outside of work: I've conditioned myself into a perfectionism role. There's a saying in French: "tourne ta langue sept fois avant de parler", which translates to 'spin your tongue seven times before speaking'. And that's what I constantly do. And it can hamper my capacity to actively engage with people, to have a proper conversation. Until I met Leigh, the concept of a 'come-back' was foreign to me. I didn't do comebacks. 'Quick-witted' isn't something I would write on my CV. When I spend so much time thinking about the perfect response, the conversation moves at a pace that my 'turning my tongue seven times' can't ever expect to keep up with. And it's ridiculous, because the best conversations are the ones that involve saying something stupid and funny.

I'm not perfect. What I do isn't perfect. Life isn't perfect. And it doesn't need to be. Justin, stop clutching for coherence; just be yourself and live your fucking life.